Who did Billy Mays play for?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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