I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
