yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
