I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
