wrigley field is MILF paradise
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
