i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
