Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
