My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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