That's when you crack a 10am beer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
