Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
