I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
