I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
