Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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