Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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