I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
