i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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