Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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