Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
