i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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