mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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