Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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