I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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