I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
