Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
