it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
