Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize