the condom got lost in my hair
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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