apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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