First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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