There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
