Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
