My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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