I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I want is dick and wine.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
