Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
