P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
