The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
