I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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