8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I can tuck mytits in my pants
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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