i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
