You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
