There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
