YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
