The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
