...so i touched it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
