oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He kissed a someone with a penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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