you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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