im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
