hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Still dying that you shit outside
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
