i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
