These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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