I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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