Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
