Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
