k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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