i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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