I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Found your dick twin last night
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
