I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
