Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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