My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize