He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize