Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
