booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i think i just lost a toe
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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