I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The ass gains better be worth it
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