So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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