I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
